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Does your boss, spouse, or mother-in-law fight dirty? Do they
call you sarcastic names? Do they dig up the past and hit you
below the belt?
Here are 12 knock out tips to FAIR
FIGHTING.
1. Figure out how you are partly
wrong and partly right in the conflict. We
can speak the truth in the wrong way which makes us partly
wrong and partly right. 99% of all conflicts involve two or
more people who are partly wrong and partly right at the
same time. Using this phrase helps balance out your own
thinking and helps diffuse defensiveness.
2. Assertively acknowledge the
conflict in a timely, clear, and concise way.
Assertive communication is courageous communication from the
heart. Make sure to deal with the conflict in the proper
time. Communicate the conflict in a clear, simple, and
concise way. If you ramble too long you will lose your
punch.
3."I" statements create intimacy and
help prevent defensiveness. Speaking only for
yourself and using "I feel", "I think" statements help
people understand you which creates intimate connection. If
we communicate with "You" statements it creates a climate of
defensiveness.
4. Reflect and validate each person's
perspective. Show people you are listening by
reflecting like a mirror rather than telling them you are
listening. Practice validating peoples perspective and
remember that does not necessarily mean you agree with their
perspective.
5. Finish one conflict at a time.
This is one of the most common dirty fighting
mistakes. Keep focused on one conflict at a time and don't
go chasing after past conflicts.
6. Investigate workable win-win
solutions. Have the mind of a research scientist
searching for a solution to the cancerous conflict. Remember
there usually aren't perfect solutions, only workable
solutions. Make sure each person feels like they are winning
in the resolution.
7. Give support and celebrate
similarities rather than differences. Show
encouragement and express support by focusing on what you
have in common rather than focusing on the differences.
Build a common bridge.
8. Have a plan of who, what, where,
when, and how. The workable solution needs these
questions answered. Take time to clearly cover all these
bases.
9. Think proactively about what could
sabotage the plan. Think ahead about what could
cause the plan to self destruct. Go ahead with a mine
sweeper and diffuse any possible explosions.
10. Include an objective third party
for accountability. Many times we need a referee or
mediator who will be objective and hold us accountable. It
could be a counselor, a minister, etc. I do this in my Fair
Fighting coaching sessions.
11. Negotiate a time frame to
reassess and fine tune the solutions. The first
solution may not work. Be ready to come back together and
build on your progress. Maybe you need to tweak the workable
solution.
12. Go forward expecting the best!
Your expectations are powerful. We tend to attract
what we expect. Expect success!
Most of us have not been trained in
fair fighting techniques. It is possible to re-train our
brains to fight fairly. It is a life long process. It's time
for you to get on the fair fighting train.
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